this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
