Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
