I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
