Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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