You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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