my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
