I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
