as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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