I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
