My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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