my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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