Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
