Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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