I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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