so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
