Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
