Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She has the best kind of daddy issues
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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