he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
