you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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