sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My dick has a subreddit
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
