meet me or not, i'm out of control
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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