my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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