This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
