I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
