yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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