What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
