I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize