I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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