He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
