We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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