When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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