Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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