I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
