my phone needs a breathalizer
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
