My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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