I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
