You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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