The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
