yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
