you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am one with the molecules
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
