I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
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