You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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