I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
