I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize