my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
