i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So vagazzling was a success
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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