i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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