were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
