make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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