My room smells like vodka and shame
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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