Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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