is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
