I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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