I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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