i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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