i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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