This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
They have beer where we have blood.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize