did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
