Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
