My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
